Silk Road forums
Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: Ahoyhoy on July 31, 2012, 12:58 pm
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You can tell me something I didn't know, tell a joke, a story, post a link or just post something that amuses or interests me. +1 Karma if you succeed.
By the way. If I'm not amused, you get -1.
This is my thread and my decision is final. There 'aint no adjudicating panel and no appeals process.
1 BTC for the best post..
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Nectar points !!!!
I feel so let down that vendors on SR dont give out nectar points !!!!
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-1
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How do you get a French bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
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-1
Oh contraire, +1 !
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You can tell me something I didn't know, tell a joke, a story, post a link or just post something that amuses or interests me. +1 Karma if you succeed.
By the way. If I'm not amused, you get -1.
This is my thread and my decision is final. There 'aint no adjudicating panel and no appeals process.
1 BTC for the best post.
Q: There were nine fleas on a pussy. Four of them were smoking dope what were the other five doing?
A: Sniffing Crack.
:D
I nectar point to you.
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How do you get a French bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
If Harrods made Christmas crackers this would be the quality of the jokes therein......+1
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Was thinking recently about New testament.
Lets see - Jesus and Judas, good friends. They know, when is going to be solar eclipse.
Other 'dumb' apostles are secretly instructed to steal Jesus body after he dies.
Reasonable time before eclipse Judas goes to priests, and tell something that incriminate Jesus. Jesus got caught, but it still not enough, he will be given amnesty.
Judas, as planned before, somehow switch papers(big bureaucracy) , and Pilat - executes Jesus instead of Varnava. Later Judas makes suicide too, cutting loose ends.
Great present to jews from two close, idealistic friends... Yet I rather feel pity for Judas - one got into memory of a people as a son of a god, other as a lowlife traitor.
This idea - doesn't pretend to be true, but given the facts from testament - it is at least possible.
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Was thinking recently about New testament.
Lets see - Jesus and Judas, good friends. They know, when is going to be solar eclipse.
Other 'dumb' apostles are secretly instructed to steal Jesus body after he dies.
Reasonable time before eclipse Judas goes to priests, and tell something that incriminate Jesus. Jesus got caught, but it still not enough, he will be given amnesty.
Judas, as planned before, somehow switch papers(big bureaucracy) , and Pilat - executes Jesus instead of Varnava. Later Judas makes suicide too, cutting loose ends.
Great present to jews from two close, idealistic friends... Yet I rather feel pity for Judas - one got into memory of a people as a son of a god, other as a lowlife traitor.
This idea - doesn't pretend to be true, but given the facts from testament - it is at least possible.
+1 karma for baffling me both conceptually and semantically.
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I'm seriously considering banning you just for your avatar.
:)
nomad
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sometimes i finger my asshole to fill the void my father left behind.
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I'm seriously considering banning you just for your avatar.
:)
nomad
Is it coz I is black?
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sometimes i finger my asshole to fill the void my father left behind.
Try sticking it in your ear to fill the void in your head.....+1
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I'm seriously considering banning you just for your avatar.
:)
nomad
Is it coz I is black?
You are brown not black.
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I once worked with some East Europeans, from Belarus. They were working on a site with me.
One night (it was a night shift) I had a nightmare about being strangled. I woke up and was being strangled by some crazy guy talking some foreign language.
The bastard saw me asleep and smelt the hash I had been smoking in a workers canteen we used to crash out.
The foreign guy hated drugs! Called me a 'druggie'. One of the other guys threatened him and we explained through an interpreter that the Belarus guys were often found sleeping drunk. We let that go. We explained how hash was just normal on an English building site. We ended up on good terms as the younger guys smoked hash with us and we drank the hooch they bought from Belarus, kind of 100% alcohol, tasted like shit.
The 'anti drug guy' was the worse drunkard of all. He was told he would be sent home if he assaulted anyone. But not after we threw him off the building and the amount of alcohol in his body would make it seem like an accident. Most nights I had to tell his buddies to send him to sleep in our sleep hideaways on the site.
Nothing worse than working with some whining bastard who thinks drugs are all evil whilst alcohol is good.
Alcohol is a drug you fucking asshole thug from Belarus!!
I was a few seconds from being unconscious. Guy was so big he almost stopped the blood going to my brain rather than just strangle me by depriving my lungs of air.
By the way, donate the BTC to mod if I win!
Generosity of spirit!
Plus I'm lucky enough to work at a time when its not easy out there!
Working right now!
Laters!
;)
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A 9 month pregnant woman wakes up in a panic on the first of April -- The delivery date has come with a vengeance.
She shakes her husband and he snaps to attention and, promptly with much haste, they are off in a high speed drive to the hospital.
The delivery takes hours of heaves and hoes, push and pulls, breaths and screams.
In one final push, the baby is born and the Doctor does an orchestrated flurry of pull, snip, wrap and cradle; programmed by years of experience and practice. He looks down onto the newborn and his head tilts to the side with his mouth curling into a tucked in frown. Without a word he and the baby waltz out of the delivery room.
The woman looks to her husband wide eyed and with confusion. Minutes go by, which feel like hours to the new parents, when finally the door opens and the Doctor walks in with a smile on his face now and a blue blanket wrapped baby.
The husband looks to his wife wildly excitedly, "It's a boy, honey. A baby boy!"
The Doctor nods as to confirm his clearly bold assumptions. He walks towards the parents and the nappy-looking and tired woman is revitalized as she opens her arms to accept her baby.
The Doctor extends his arms... and he fucking butterfingers the shit! Sheer terror and shock slam into the couples eyes as they see this pile of baby flesh and blanket plummet to an unforgiving linoleum floor. With the elasticity of a bag of cottage cheese, the baby thuds the ground.
The Doctor confesses his extreme apologies as he moves forward to recover the fumble on the play. In doing so, he takes a two step and punts the baby across the room then breaks into a sprint towards it's point of impact and drops into a power slide on his white lab coat across the floor with his feet extended like a move seen regularly in circa 1990's Pro Wrestling circuits. Crushing the baby between his extended feet and the wall. In a final and grandiose maneuver he grabs the limp baby by the ankle and swings it above his head thrice and throws it out an open window of 7th floor located hospital room.
Turning from the window to the bedside the Doctor wipes his hands and takes deep sigh. The couple, jaws down and in shock, pause for a slight second to absorb what had just happened. After a seemingly endless moment the woman screams at the top of her lungs, "You killed my fucking baby! You fucking monster!"
The Doctor swoops to her side and puts a finger on her lips halting her exasperated harpy-like screeching. He shrugs and says, "April Fools!"
"It was already dead"
This joke is entirely in bad taste and I couldn't be more proud to have it in my arsenal.
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hahahaha, i like it ! i wish i coud +1 you but i dont know how to do it. Well done, giggled my ass off !!!
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+1. ......Another +1 if you can get hold of some Belarusian hooch for me.
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A 9 month pregnant woman wakes up in a panic on the first of April -- The delivery date has come with a vengeance.
She shakes her husband and he snaps to attention and, promptly with much haste, they are off in a high speed drive to the hospital.
The delivery takes hours of heaves and hoes, push and pulls, breaths and screams.
In one final push, the baby is born and the Doctor does an orchestrated flurry of pull, snip, wrap and cradle; programmed by years of experience and practice. He looks down onto the newborn and his head tilts to the side with his mouth curling into a tucked in frown. Without a word he and the baby waltz out of the delivery room.
The woman looks to her husband wide eyed and with confusion. Minutes go by, which feel like hours to the new parents, when finally the door opens and the Doctor walks in with a smile on his face now and a blue blanket wrapped baby.
The husband looks to his wife wildly excitedly, "It's a boy, honey. A baby boy!"
The Doctor nods as to confirm his clearly bold assumptions. He walks towards the parents and the nappy-looking and tired woman is revitalized as she opens her arms to accept her baby.
The Doctor extends his arms... and he fucking butterfingers the shit! Sheer terror and shock slam into the couples eyes as they see this pile of baby flesh and blanket plummet to an unforgiving linoleum floor. With the elasticity of a bag of cottage cheese, the baby thuds the ground.
The Doctor confesses his extreme apologies as he moves forward to recover the fumble on the play. In doing so, he takes a two step and punts the baby across the room then breaks into a sprint towards it's point of impact and drops into a power slide on his white lab coat across the floor with his feet extended like a move seen regularly in circa 1990's Pro Wrestling circuits. Crushing the baby between his extended feet and the wall. In a final and grandiose maneuver he grabs the limp baby by the ankle and swings it above his head thrice and throws it out an open window of 7th floor located hospital room.
Turning from the window to the bedside the Doctor wipes his hands and takes deep sigh. The couple, jaws down and in shock, pause for a slight second to absorb what had just happened. After a seemingly endless moment the woman screams at the top of her lungs, "You killed my fucking baby! You fucking monster!"
The Doctor swoops to her side and puts a finger on her lips halting her exasperated harpy-like screeching. He shrugs and says, "April Fools!"
"It was already dead"
This joke is entirely in bad taste and I couldn't be more proud to have it in my arsenal.
Pitch black and very, very funny....+1
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You can tell me something I didn't know, tell a joke, a story, post a link or just post something that amuses or interests me. +1 Karma if you succeed.
By the way. If I'm not amused, you get -1.
This is my thread and my decision is final. There 'aint no adjudicating panel and no appeals process.
1 BTC for the best post.
Q: There were nine fleas on a pussy. Four of them were smoking dope what were the other five doing?
A: Sniffing Crack.
:D
I nectar point to you.
Thank-you for your Nectar AhoyBoy!
Ironically I'm buzzing right now! :P
Cheers! :)
Honey, you deserve it.
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An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a bloke in the street.
The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of an hallucinogenic nature, Sir."
;D
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrBj3u5dPgM :o
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An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a bloke in the street.
The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of an hallucinogenic nature, Sir."
;D
I am very fucking amused. +1
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Was thinking recently about New testament.
Lets see - Jesus and Judas, good friends. They know, when is going to be solar eclipse.
Other 'dumb' apostles are secretly instructed to steal Jesus body after he dies.
Reasonable time before eclipse Judas goes to priests, and tell something that incriminate Jesus. Jesus got caught, but it still not enough, he will be given amnesty.
Judas, as planned before, somehow switch papers(big bureaucracy) , and Pilat - executes Jesus instead of Varnava. Later Judas makes suicide too, cutting loose ends.
Great present to jews from two close, idealistic friends... Yet I rather feel pity for Judas - one got into memory of a people as a son of a god, other as a lowlife traitor.
This idea - doesn't pretend to be true, but given the facts from testament - it is at least possible.
no offense but "facts from testament" hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha that bible has been re-written a bunch and there were about 6 other stories of jesus so far but I'm no atheist mind you. I hate bill mhar. If people find comfort in something then leave it alone until they try to make me get caught up in their brain washing plus I wish religious folks would quit trying to run the world and fuck up people's freedoms.
On another note check this out:
http://www.inquisitr.com/289649/australian-drug-bust-cops-seize-more-than-500-million-in-crystal-meth-and-heroin/
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrBj3u5dPgM :o
Made me laugh coz, as it happens, I have a very small penis also.
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Was thinking recently about New testament.
Lets see - Jesus and Judas, good friends. They know, when is going to be solar eclipse.
Other 'dumb' apostles are secretly instructed to steal Jesus body after he dies.
Reasonable time before eclipse Judas goes to priests, and tell something that incriminate Jesus. Jesus got caught, but it still not enough, he will be given amnesty.
Judas, as planned before, somehow switch papers(big bureaucracy) , and Pilat - executes Jesus instead of Varnava. Later Judas makes suicide too, cutting loose ends.
Great present to jews from two close, idealistic friends... Yet I rather feel pity for Judas - one got into memory of a people as a son of a god, other as a lowlife traitor.
This idea - doesn't pretend to be true, but given the facts from testament - it is at least possible.
no offense but "facts from testament" hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha that bible has been re-written a bunch and there were about 6 other stories of jesus so far but I'm no atheist mind you. I hate bill mhar. If people find comfort in something then leave it alone until they try to make me get caught up in their brain washing plus I wish religious folks would quit trying to run the world and fuck up people's freedoms.
On another note check this out:
http://www.inquisitr.com/289649/australian-drug-bust-cops-seize-more-than-500-million-in-crystal-meth-and-heroin/
Am sorry, my words was bit off. What I mean is those things, that testament present as facts. I am in no position to crown those things as facts, you are completely right, I am sorry. Elegant wording sometime eludes me.
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My doctor told me to stay away from methamphetamine...
So, I bought a fifteen foot straw!
;D
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My doctor told me to stay away from methamphetamine...
So, I bought a fifteen foot straw!
;D
Nice one liner......(no pun intended)
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Am sorry, my words was bit off. What I mean is those things, that testament present as facts. I am in no position to crown those things as facts, you are completely right, I am sorry. Elegant wording sometime eludes me.
No sweat.
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the other day I saw a lil mexican kid get into a ice cream truck owned by a known local sex offender...... Alien vs Predator?
;)
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the other day I saw a lil mexican kid get into a ice cream truck owned by a known local sex offender...... Alien vs Predator?
;)
Nice one. Why do paedophiles always have beards and glasses? What is it about that look that children find so sexy?
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Vans that say "Ice Cream and Naps" on the side :)
must be worth a +1 ;) haha
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Vans that say "Ice Cream and Naps" on the side :)
must be worth a +1 ;) haha
Not really mate, but what the hell...I'm feeling generous...
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My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists. They performed unspeakable acts on her. 8)
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nectar points......? I want sum!!! NOW!!!
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ME TOOOOO!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hi! AhoyBoy :)
It's me from the other day, SugarCained - Have successfully managed to FUCK UP my profile two times now, and couldn't remember the password, because I was massively mashed-up!
I guess I have come to the right place, then! :)
Hope you like naughty but nice jokes! ;)
A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast! ;)
They are both quite startled!
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221"
;D
I promise I will be able to login next time, I'm entirely sober and not under the influence of any chemicals tonight, honestly! ;)
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Mind so lost it does not wish to be found
Flying through heavens, It knows no bound
Different it is and different it may be
A mind so beautiful it will set me free
People will pass they do not understand
Living their lives, everything so bland
Such beauty everywhere I must me insane
Lost within awe, I know no shame
http://silkroadvb5piz3r.onion/index.php/silkroad/item/609eb6224c
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Two guys walking down the street see a dog licking it's dick. One guy says " Fuck I wish I could do that!"
The other guy says " You might want to pat him first."
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My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists. They performed unspeakable acts on her. 8)
Spit roasted by Kenny Everett and Marcel Marceaux.....interesting image...+1
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Hi! AhoyBoy :)
It's me from the other day, SugarCained - Have successfully managed to FUCK UP my profile two times now, and couldn't remember the password, because I was massively mashed-up!
I guess I have come to the right place, then! :)
Hope you like naughty but nice jokes! ;)
A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast! ;)
They are both quite startled!
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221"
;D
I promise I will be able to login next time, I'm entirely sober and not under the influence of any chemicals tonight, honestly! ;)
New profile it may be. Good to see the quality of the posts remains consistent.....+1
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Mind so lost it does not wish to be found
Flying through heavens, It knows no bound
Different it is and different it may be
A mind so beautiful it will set me free
People will pass they do not understand
Living their lives, everything so bland
Such beauty everywhere I must me insane
Lost within awe, I know no shame
http://silkroadvb5piz3r.onion/index.php/silkroad/item/609eb6224c
An oasis of beauty in the desert of sin and debauchery that this thread has become...+1
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Two guys walking down the street see a dog licking it's dick. One guy says " Fuck I wish I could do that!"
The other guy says " You might want to pat him first."
This thread celebrates excellence in whatever form it might manifest itself. Jokes about beastial oral sex included....+1
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Where do you hide a black mans food stamps??? Under his work boots!!!!! HAHAHA!!!! worth the +1 right?
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Where do you hide a black mans food stamps??? Under his work boots!!!!! HAHAHA!!!! worth the +1 right?
Offensive, unfunny and borderline racist.....+1
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thanks for the +1. I'm really not a racist though.
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What vegetable needs a plumber?
A Leek.
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What vegetable needs a plumber?
A Leek.
There are limits to my generosity.
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A weary traveler walks into a restaurant and is stopped at the door. The owner informs him that this is a bar for lepers.
The man had been traveling for 14 hours, was tired and hungry, and begged the owner to let him in to rest and eat. The
Owner agrees telling the man "Ok sir, if you don't mind, many people here are sick, have lesions, and are missing body parts
so it may be very hard to eat".
The weary traveler agrees and sits down to order his food and sip some water. When his food arrives, he is ravenous so he starts
to tear into his lunch. Soon tho, the retching begins and the man throws up onto his plate. The leper in the seat in front of the man
turns and says " I'm sorry my appearance has offended you and made you sick. I can get up and move if you'd like".
The weary traveler says "No sir, its not you that has made me sick. Please continue eating and don't worry about me. I'm fine".
A waiter promptly brings him a new plate of food and cleans up the table. The traveler tears into his food once again. However this time he starts to projectile vomit uncontrollably. The leper man turns once again to apologize to the traveler "I'm sorry my appearance has offended you sir, I'll get up and move so you can eat peacefully". The traveler once again tell the leper " No sir, it's ok. It's not you that's making me sick. Please eat your lunch and don't worry about me".
At this point the traveler doesn't have anything left in him and is dry heaving. The leper man is confused at this point... He says " Well sir, if it isn't me making you sick, what's got you so upset"? The traveler calmly addresses him and says " I'm sorry, It's not you that's the problem. Its the guy next to you. He keeps dipping his fries into your back".
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A weary traveler walks into a restaurant and is stopped at the door. The owner informs him that this is a bar for lepers.
The man had been traveling for 14 hours, was tired and hungry, and begged the owner to let him in to rest and eat. The
Owner agrees telling the man "Ok sir, if you don't mind, many people here are sick, have lesions, and are missing body parts
so it may be very hard to eat".
The weary traveler agrees and sits down to order his food and sip some water. When his food arrives, he is ravenous so he starts
to tear into his lunch. Soon tho, the retching begins and the man throws up onto his plate. The leper in the seat in front of the man
turns and says " I'm sorry my appearance has offended you and made you sick. I can get up and move if you'd like".
The weary traveler says "No sir, its not you that has made me sick. Please continue eating and don't worry about me. I'm fine".
A waiter promptly brings him a new plate of food and cleans up the table. The traveler tears into his food once again. However this time he starts to projectile vomit uncontrollably. The leper man turns once again to apologize to the traveler "I'm sorry my appearance has offended you sir, I'll get up and move so you can eat peacefully". The traveler once again tell the leper " No sir, it's ok. It's not you that's making me sick. Please eat your lunch and don't worry about me".
At this point the traveler doesn't have anything left in him and is dry heaving. The leper man is confused at this point... He says " Well sir, if it isn't me making you sick, what's got you so upset"? The traveler calmly addresses him and says " I'm sorry, It's not you that's the problem. Its the guy next to you. He keeps dipping his fries into your back".
Thanks. I just ate. Think I'm going to fucking throw up. +1 (begrudgingly)
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thanks for the +1. I'm really not a racist though.
Me neither. I love all people, even Germans.
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thanks for the +1. I'm really not a racist though.
Me neither. I love all people, even Germans.
There is no word for 'fluffy' in German ;)
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thanks for the +1. I'm really not a racist though.
Me neither. I love all people, even Germans.
There is no word for 'fluffy' in German ;)
Strange, because there are lots of German fluffers